My Story....

I know that God has a story to tell that only I can tell the world. I have been encouraged to share my story so that is why I have started this blog. I don't know where it will take me but this is my start.
Writing is not my favorite thing to do. So please be patient with me as I work thru this process.  If what I have lived thru can help someone else then it will be worth the work.

I was married for 21 years. Their were occasional bright moments but most of it was filled with tears, fear, anguish and  exhaustion.  When I first got married it was drilled into my head that divorce was not an option. Over and over again from my church. So when the mental abuse started I just tried to change me and do what I could to be a better wife and eventually mother of many. Trying to figure out what it would take to make this marriage wonderful instead of dreadful. 

I tried everything over the years to be that Titus two lady, that Proverbs 31 lady. But I could never achieve her because the rules changed to quickly to comply with them.  As time marched on I would read another book. Study more of the bible but my marriage was broken.  I wept weekly. I lived in fear of displeasing the man who was supposed to love me more than anyone else. But who was the person who hurt me to the core.

 Things have always been bad but they made a turn for the worst 7 years ago when we moved out to a farm. I had hopes that the move would be a turning point that would improve our family but sadly it had the opposite effect.  We choose to move to the farm because we got a good deal on it. I saw it as the only way to get out of my crappy little house we lived in. Initially the little home was fine. But by the 3rd child a 800 sq. foot home with in the end 5 children was unbearable. It could never be clean. We were in each others way always. So when we got the farm and it was twice the house plus the 17+ acres I hoped it would improve some of the problems. But unfortunately I then heard weekly how moving there was horrible and that the drive was horrible. (which I do realize a 1 hour 15 m. commute one way isn't ideal)

When we first moved we were attending the Amish Mennonite church.  And it was wonderful to worship God with other believers. But then my husband didn't want to go anymore. He didn't agree with the teachings they were teaching. But he allowed me to attend with the children. I didn't last very long though. For sundays the men sit on one side and the women sit on the other. But without my husband with me it made it impossible to discipline the boys when they were on the opposite side.  Eventually I just quite going at all.
Then occasionally I would ask to attend church and I was always told no its too ________. So I gave up trying again.

Then after much searching I finally found a homeschool group. But was never allowed to join it. They charged fees and required that you be registered with the state (which we were not) so I was not allowed to join.  With the lack of a church or a homeschool group my children were not around other children hardly ever.  We only saw our old friends occasionally. About every 3 to 6 months. So my children did not have friends growing up.

All this I could have born if my marriage would have been thriving and loving but it was not.  I was hurt over and over and over again. When I would do something that didn't please my husband I would be punished. Wither it was not speaking to me for up to weeks.  Taking things of mine and destroying them. Taking privileges away from me like locking me off the computer. Disconnecting my computer from internet and eventually disconnecting my wifi.

Less Like Scars

Sara Groves Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year • But I'm climbing out of the rubble • These lessons are hard • Healing changes are subtle • But every day it's... • Less like tearing more like building • Less like captive more like willing • Less like breakdown more like surrender • Less like haunting more like remember • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars and more like character • • Less like a prison a prison more like my room • Less like a casket more like a womb • Less like dying more like transcending • Less like fear, less like an ending • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • • Just a little while ago • I couldn't feel the power or the hope • I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing • Just a little while back • I was desperate, broken, laid out • Hoping you would come • • And I need you • And I want you here • And I feel you... • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And more like character

Quotes from different places:

 ‎"I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived." ;o)

And you are even more beautiful than your scars

 ‎"The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

  “There is a big difference between a wound and a scar,” Jaynes says. “Because a scar says, ‘I’ve been healed, and this is my story.’”In her book, Your Scars Are Beautiful to God, Jaynes encourages readers to embrace their scars and allow God to use them in the lives of others.That’s when she began the process of healing – a process that she calls “turning the wounds into scars.”

I get Slammed!

I go on with my new life and healing and then SLAM another flashback happens. Something I had buried so deep it was forgotten. Only to sneak back out when I least expect it.
I am getting ready to start potty training and I have really been putting it off. One child is 4 almost 5 and the other 3. They will do it together and I just can't seem to get it done once and for all. I know I need to. I know they need this but I have hesitated. And then the flashback comes and I remember. I had remembered they would get spanked for accidents. But now I remember he would put their nose in it like a freakin dog!   I remember being mad and him not carrying my opinion. I remember the child screaming and crying. And then they would not be closer to potty training I end up farther and farther back. SO I now realize I am hesitating because I fear how they will be treated when they are with their father. What will he do to  them when I am not there to stop him now. How will he hurt my babies. But I have decided I will start in the am. I will train them as well as I can. And we will see where they are doing on friday evening. If they still have a lot of accidents they will go into pull ups for the weekend. If they are doing very well I will send them potty trained. I will also send him  a email stating the best course of action for dealing with a accident. And the things that will not help the training. I was not married to a man I was married to a monster that thought nothing more of us then things he owned and used as he desired.

Journal Entry I Found

This is from the birth of my 5th Child. Written in 2001

March 17, 2001

Well a lot has changed since I last wrote in here. 1^st off my due-date was changed. I went in at 38 week appointment and my midwife couldn't find the babies head. It wasn't even remotely engaged.

Well the next day I ended up with a sonogram. The good news was the baby was indeed head down. The bad news was that I was now 32 weeks along instead of 38 weeks. This is NOT what a pregnant woman wants to hear. Well slowly I made the adjustment mentally and I am now less than 1 week from the new due date. The baby is at +1station and I am 95% effaced and a loose 3 cm. I am very ready to go. I truthfully think stress is stopping me from going into labor. Fred (name changed) hasn't talked to me in about 2 weeks. Unless he has to. This is not exactly how I want things to be when I go into labor. Last I knew he was mad because the floor is not being vacuumed everyday. He thinks we (children and I) keep the house a pig sty. Which isn't true, I am on them a lot to clean and feel I am always straightening. I have once again hit that I don't really care anymore attitude. I am just doing what I have to do to survive. I no longer care if there is joy in my life. I will just do what I must to survive.

He is also looking at porn on the internet once again. In the past I would spend days crying. Today it's just another brick being laid around my heart. I am to ugly and fat to even compete and actually look like I am going to explode soon. So why try.

He sleeps in that stupid sleeping bag every night for the last 4-5 months. Which makes snuggling and such nearly impossible. Especially since I am always hot and that bag smothers me.

I do sleep on the couch a lot, but had explained that it was more comfortable. He claimed he understands. Oh well this is my crappy life. I choose to marry Fred and I will be so until I die. So I'm just getting used to it. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's hell. That just life in this house.

He also doesn't even eat with us anymore. The children are starting to ask questions and I just keep answering vague.

Well I am tired, swollen, depressed, etc.... I might as well go to sleep.

Lord please give me the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings. I cant' handle it alone. I will break, otherwise. Please give me patience with the children and help me to be consistent once again in their discipline. So they will behave well.

April 8, 2001 1:40am

Well I can't sleep since I have no one I can talk to so I must write here to stay sane. Yesterday afternoon at 2:02am my baby girl  came to join our family. We were all beginning to wonder if she would ever come. She was 2 weeks overdue and looked it. She weighed 9lbs. 9 oz and was 20 5/8 inches long. This was the good part of my day. :-) My midwife arrived around 10am and broke my water. Then we spent 1 hour wandering around the backyard having contractions. Then we came in. She checked me sometime later and I was 7 cm that could be stretched to 9cm. Well we went back to the front room and my midwife slowly started getting things out and in place for the birth. She also called her assistant to come assist.

Well within minutes of the assistant arriving I changed positions to leaning on the couch with my legs on the floor. Well I had a few contractions that were “normal”. Then all of a sudden they changed to “pushy” contractions. They told me to breath through. Well on the next contraction the baby came. My midwife said the only thing that held her in was my underwear. Well as soon as my midwife took off the underwear and I flipped over her head was born. Then I pushed once to get out her shoulders and she was here. One blessing of her speed of arriving is that for the first time ever my hemorrhoids are NOT bothering me. :-)

Well now for the bad part of the day. Fred is still not talking so he stayed away during the whole birth. He even told my midwife he didn't want to be here.

Mom arrived soon after delivery (I waited to long) and helped keep the children away.

Well she was born and cleaned up. I went to the bathroom etc... It was at least 1 hour. I never saw Fred the whole time. Well after going to the bathroom I had the children come out and meet their new sister. After that my midwife and her assistant were acting like they were leaving. I asked them if they were going to let me take a bath and they said I needed to do it immediately if I was going to do it at all. I knew I would never be able to get it done alone, and I didn't expect any help from Fred. So my midwife suggested that Mom hold her and that I shower. I had second thoughts because I knew Fred hadn't held her but I didn't know what else to do. And he wouldn't respond to us calling. Well I showered, the midwive's left and Mom took off. Before Mom left I had her bring the baby supply basket and the phone. Well right after she left I called a friend and Fred got on the other extensions so I got off. Then he started yelling. He told me that I better enjoy my baby because he was never going to have another baby with me. I asked why and he said he was sick of me. That I don't love him because actions speak loader than words. A lot of it appears to be 2 topics! Sex and housework. He said I never want him to see me naked so that is why he didn't come out during the birth because I would be partially naked and since he feels I don't want him to seem me that way then why come. He also said he looks at porn because I won't let him look at me. I told him his looking causes me to not want to be naked. He also said all we ever do is have sex in the dark. (Well what when else are there no children around?)

As far as housekeeping it has to do with the things getting broke and damaged by the children. And I don't know how to resolve this.

Well Fred destroyed all my gardens to punish me. He also broke a bubble toy that my mother let the children borrow. The flowers sadden me because they took so many years to establish. I don't intend to replant any of them. It would cost $100's of dollars and tons of time. I will just not garden this year.

The toy I will have to replace for Mom. I sure hope it wasn't expensive.

I didn't realize Fred didn't even know about the babies weight, etc...

But personally he didn't seem to give a damn.

He did order pizza for supper. But if I wouldn't have asked he wouldn't have fed me. And I had only had 1 cinnamon roll and 1 apple all day and it was 8pm.

I still plan to allow people to bring meals over otherwise I would probably not be fed. And I am not supposed to do anything for 1 week at the least. I don't know where things are going from here. Can't get much worse. :-)

Lord please give me the strength to endure each day as they come. Please show me ways to show Fred I love him that he will understand. Lord please re-open the lines of communication between us again. I don't like my life now and only you know how to improve it.

PS. He also said that whenever we go anywhere, that I never want to sit by him. But actually I'm trying to sit where the children can be kept from spilling things. He said it doesn't matter. He came first not the children. Well hopefully this helps me to sleep. :-)

Sorrow

Carry your sorrow no longer

Give Him your burden to bear.

How we all long to dwell with Him.

Now your child is already there.

And He says, “All you who are heavy laden

Oh, I will give you rest.

And I will lift you up.

And you shall endure the test.”

He mourns for the sheep who have lost their way.

He weeps for those who have strayed.

He cries for all who are weary and old.

But He rejoices when His children come

home to stay.

Carry your sorrow no longer.

Give Him your burden to bear.

He's holding His child in His bosom

Remember He is love and He cares.

~Elinor

...safe, dark, motionless, airless- (Your heart) will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (p169)

~The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis~

Divorce

Finally the day came.
I am not the typical divorcee'. I never had the sadness others have. Oh my gosh I am divorced. I am extremely happy and blessed to finally be free. The lack of insurance is one I am willing to live with.  Not walking on egg shells, bliss! What do I have to fear! This is just the beginning!

Jeremiah 29:11

I am a Victory!

Starting a New Dance

The storms will still come. But I am free to love again. To be loved for me! No faking! No falsehoods! Just me!  I dare to dream to LOVE!

Some sweet dear sisters in the Lord gave me wonderful advice.
"I am so thankful you have gotten away.
My first thought was you were like a brought slave girl I once read a story about. She was brought as a young girl by an older man to keep him happy,clean/ cook and bare his children all the while being cut off from her family and friends. She was punished if she didn't do as told.

No one should ever live like this in fear and not know the true meaning of love.

Your mate should show you love everyday and lift up your spirits making everyday a happy day. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did!

I pray that someday when you are ready that you find someone who will show you how wonderful being in love is.
Everyday is to be cherished and you are to be cherished and shown what an amazing lady you are!
One day when your children grow up they if they haven't already will tell you how amazing you are and how thankful they are that you were strong enough to get them into a home filled with love and hope for the future.

I am very proud of you for taking that step out the door and into your own future.
I can't imagine living like that and I am so happy you are not anymore!"
and
"I want you to know that what your husband (soon to be ex) did to you, was not godly in any way, shape, or form. As a matter of fact, I'm positive his actions made our Lord weep over you and your children. Our husbands are to love us as Christ loved the church, and He laid down His own life for the church.

As much as what your husband (soon to be ex) did to you, you my friend, continued to be a Godly example to us.  You never came here and bashed your husband, though you certainly could have. You always remained faithful, even though he didn't.

You deserve to be loved. Loved for who you are, no matter what. I know that you know that love in Jesus, and I truly hope that some day you will find that love here on earth"

and
" Everyone deserves second and third chances, but you gave so many! The children are your reward for persevering and are a great blessing now. I'm so glad that you and them are safe and can now relax, laugh, heal, and enjoy life!"
Thank you sweet sisters for your advice!

Getting the Strength to Stand on my Own

Getting the strength to stand on my own didn't come quickly. For many years I felt if I left I would be destitute. I would not be able to provide for my family. Then slowly with the purchase of photography equipment. And the practicing and studying I was actually able to make some money. And then with time I realized maybe  I could do this. I didn't need to stay just for the money. We didn't need to be abused anymore. I would be able to stand on my own to legs and use the talents that God has given me and make some kind of income.  This gave me the strength to walk away that day. Am I doing well with my business now? NO! But every step of the way I have been taken care of. Our needs have been met and even some of our wants!  Yes sometimes I've taken my eyes from that and gotten overwhelmed. That even happened yesterday. When I realized I had given up  everything to be a wife and mother and now I am only worth minimum wage if I go back to work.   But one of my best friends reminded me that I'm not worth minimum  wage I am priceless! To just keep the gears in my head and I will figure out something!  And to never look back again. Chin up! Forge ahead! Kick some ass!
So here I am forging ahead! Protected by God and I will kick some ass!

The SLOW workings of COURT!

Just when you think your going to be divorced soon. Things move creepily slow!
We were supposed to be divorced on August 5th. And we settled out of court on the 4th. Sadly here we sit October 7th and still married! ACK!  The lawyers keep going back and forth and just when things appear to be finished some line gets changed. It is so frustrating to say the least!  He needs to let me go! I will NEVER go back to him. No matter how well he may appear to have gotten. So please just quite finding ways to make this take even longer. Sign the papers already!  We are very close to ending up in court to resolve this once and for all. I need this closer. I want my old name back and we need to settle the assets! 
He will NOT get me back by prolonging things. I have moved on!  Please Lord this the job be completed quickly!

Finally Set Free!

"The moment you can visualize being free from the things that hold you back, you have indeed begun to set yourself free."---Unknown

 

When you have been told what to do. Who to be friends with. How to do things. When you can see family.  For 21 almost 22 years you start to lose who you really are. I lost that girl I was. I changed just  about every area of my life to attempt to please a man who couldn't be pleased!  And until I was set free I didn't realize how much  of me had vanished.  Slowly I have  broken free of the bondage of abuse and I Christine am once again emerging.

Am I the girl I was 22 years ago? NO!  But I finally have a say in the things that show my personality. The way I dress. The fact I wear and enjoy wearing makeup. The fact I love blessing people out of the blue. The fact that I want a relationship with my step brothers and sisters. By leaving my soon to be ex husband. I gained a huge amount of family!  I am free to serve my God. Love my choice of friends. Love my family! 

I am free! Free indeed! 

Being Married but Feeling Single

For most of my marriage I took care of everything in the home. I did all the cleaning. All the child attending. Of course all the diaper changes. Animal pen cleaning. The list can go on and on and on. All he did was sometimes mow the lawn. That is about it. He was horrible at repairing anything that was damaged. So essentially I was doing it ALL.

So I really felt like a single parent through most of the marriage. Only problem was I had no control of the rules. So I was really more of a slave. I did the work. I cooked the meals. I had the babies. Because I was under the control of a tyrant. The rules changed weekly, daily, by the minute.  We never knew what to expect. We walked on egg shells. When it was good it was pretty good. When it was bad it was a living Hell.


Being a real single mom is not scary to me at all and actually so much easier than my formal life. I have a part in the decisions now. Because I make the decisions now. The children and I are n longer being abused. Praise the Lord we are free.

And honestly I would much rather have a little stress of where is the money going to come from then when will he explode again.

I am free indeed! Free indeed!

Staying in a Women's Shelter

a week after my son left we were enjoying a relaxing night. We had the little people asleep. My oldest daughter and I were enjoying a girly movie. My boys were playing games. Then as we were relaxing we heard a horrible loud banging on my back door. It scared us to death. I went and got my can of mace and sent the children upstairs. I didn't even go close to the door. I stood at the bottom of the stairs with a cell phone in one hand calling the police and the can of mace in the other. They said they would send someone right over. The police came and didn't find anyone.
But in order to knock on my back door first you have to go down an alley. Then you have to go through a gate and through my back yard then up the back porch. Also there is a mud room between the main house and the outside. So that person had to knock very very hard for it to be heard so well in the living room. The police officer said they were going they couldn't find anything wrong and that if I needed them for anything they would come right back over.
Well I called my mom and was scared to death. I knew if I stayed home I would be up all night long and I would never get any sleep. Just waiting for the next  knock. So I decided to call the officer and ask to be escourted to the women's shelter. I had already made contact with the SOS organization that ran it and they had offered the home anytime I needed it. I decided tonight was the night.
We gathered the basic essentials and left. We went to the police station then the shelter staff came and escorted us to the shelter. We were given the whole bottom floor in the basement. They provided food, shelter, clothing, toiletries but most of all protection. Everything we needed.
I had already contacted a lawyer after my son had left to start the divorce process and also file a restraining order, I had also ordered a stronger protection order. Essentially I filed that he could not come near me or the children. If he did he would go to jail. Period. No questions asked.
There were several delays and it took about a week before the papers were sent to him. They were sent on a thursday but because of a severe snow storm he did not receive them until tuesday.
I felt so protected while at the shelter. And was so blessed that it was an option for my family for a time.   But it was not home.  The day I went into the shelter I called my landlord. I explained what had happened and that I did not feel safe. At the suggestion of SOS I requested more deadbolts. 2 peep holes and security lights. He did everything I asked in more. He put the peep holes low enough for my grade school children to look out. He put in motion detector lights. Everything I asked for he gave me. Free of charge at that. After I knew these extra protections were in place and that there was a snowstorm coming in and he would not be served until Monday at the earliest the children and I went home. There was no shame in getting help we desperately needed and I Praise God they were available to me.  The night he got the papers there was no way he could drive to my house and harass me.

The Night my Heart Broke in Half

My oldest boy was not adjusting well to the change. He was very mad at me for taking him away from his friends and his work. He let us know. He was very moody and withdrawn. Even his siblings couldn't draw him out. To try to help him I allowed him to talk to his friends on my new cell phone. That was a big mistake. He really wanted to go to a bachelor party of his friend. I was trying everything I could think of to let him go.  Over and over and over again we all said you can not tell anyone where we are. Then one day I was putting things away and the phone rang and it was my dh. He asked to speak with my oldest boy. I said he wasn't available. Then he asked to speak with my oldest daughter. In my shock I handed it to her. Thankfully she is strong and the Lord and could handle it. He asked her where we were. She said I'm not going to tell you. He asked her do you want to ever see me again. She said I don't know. Then he said no it had to be a yes or a no and she said no I never want to see you again. Then the conversation ended.
Well after that we were on full alert and I cancelled the trip to the party for my son. There was just no way I would risk him being snabbed at the party. Then my mom took us to the pool in her hotel. My son didn't want to go swimming. So he stayed in the room. Non of us even thought about the fact he had his ipod and would have free hotel wifi. Eventually he came down and talked and had fun with his brothers and sisters. Then we went home. I allowed the older children to start Indiana Jones movie. And put the littles down for bed. My oldest didn't watch and was upstairs. He asked to use the phone at one point to call his buddy. I allowed it. Now looking back I know he was acting weird. But I didn't catch it at the time.When I went up he had moved his air mattress beside the window and was looking out.  I asked why he had done that and he said he was cold and wanted to sleep by the heater vent. Then I noticed the little boys room window was open and closed it. I now know he was using both to watch.
I was in the kitchen cleaning and I heard one of my other sons yell where are you going? Then I heard the door slam and then the little brother rush to the door and look out. He came running in. My brother just left. I ran to the porch and saw nothing. And yelled and yelled his name. Then my son said he saw him run out the door and then he saw him getting into our van. My dh and I had exact matching vans so I suspected it was him. Then I ran to the back yard and yelled and yelled some more. Then we realized his doggy was missing also. My heart dropped and I realized he was gone. He had run away to his Father.
I called the police and my mom. The police came and said there was absolutely nothing they could do. I had not gotten a restraining order because it would say the county I was in and I did not want him to know where we were. My mom came and we cried. My cousins came and we weeped. I had lost my son.
He  got his way he went to his party that night. And that was the night my heart broke. I had lost my son. He was going back to the man who had abused him over and over. He was choosing friends and job over the decisions of 2 adults. And put 8 other peoples lives in jeopardy. I love him dearly but am still sad by his decision.

My Prayer

I have a prayer for my soon to be ex-husband.  I want him to heal from his irrational thinking and anger.  I want him to be come the father that he was ment to be for his children.  I want to see him well. 

Will I ever go back to him NO. I can NEVER take the chance that he will treat the children or I the way he treated us before. NO human should ever have to live through that. And especially not 2 times.  Even if I see 100% healing I will NOT go back. Period.

He does seem to be healing some. He sent me a letter at one point saying he was sorry. There were 38 I'm Sorry. That was so sad to me. He knew the things he was doing was wrong. Yet he did them. He treated us like trash over and over and over again.  And now after I have had enough he is sorry. His life is totally turned over.  His life will never be the same.  But me leaving him was the best thing  I could have ever done for his relationship with his children.  He actually pays attention to them and finds fun things to do with them the weekends he has them.

Would I like for him to just go away. Yes... But he will forever be a part of my life. Linked through our children. And since the youngest is 2 it will be along time before visitations bi-weekly will end.  So for my children's sake I want to see God do an amazing healing to his brain.  God is the miracle maker. He can do amazing things. And I want to see him well only for his children. 

School

Homeschooling- Public School-GED- College

I have been challenged with a tons of decisions and changes for my family in the last 3+ months.
And one of them is schooling. I have homeschooled the children all their lives. It was my decision at the beginning.  As the years went on and the babies kept coming it got harder and harder and more and more impossible.  The options were none. The christian school didn't want us because we were too liberal. The public schools were considered a impossible choice.  I had heard horror stories about the district in my town being the worst in the state. And my husband considered them evil.  So I muddled on trying occasionally to find a way to take care of the needs of many children with absolutely no support from my family. Having no support group to help me muddle thru.  Failing most of the time because the fights with my husband caused me to stop fighting battles with my children in school. Because otherwise my life was never ending battles. Was this wrong of me yes. Did I know any other options. NO.

Since moving I have really worked on my children's education. I  have decided that homeschooling is no longer an option. I have hated it for years.  So I started researching schools in my area. I had high hopes for the christian school. Despite the cost I really wanted it to work. I would have all my children in the same school. But once I toured it I knew it wasn't right for my children. They are too far behind for the limited staff to help achieve anything they want in life. 
Next I toured the local public grade school. And I immediately felt at peace and knew this was the school for some of my children. I was so impressed by the intervention they offer to the children. And they don't make it a bad thing to have intervention. It's just a daily part of the school. Also I loved how comfortable the school felt. The classes were not sitting in neat little rows listening to the teacher go on and on. They were in small groups learning at each of their own pace. 
Then I went to the jr. high and they were the same. The thing they want most is to see the children succeed greatly. To be the best them they can be. This is what is right for my family.

 Then I started thinking about my oldest daughter. She was homeschooled the whole way. But it was badly in the end. So she has a lot of gaps in the wall of her learning. Many bricks to fill into that wall. So she will be going after her GED this summer.  She deserves the world. And with this training she can reach for the stars if she desires. Only God knows her story. And now she will have the tools she needs to do whatever that is.

I gave up my life for my family and didn't get any training beyond high school. So now I am researching going back to college in my 40's.  How will I provide for my family in the years to come.  What do I love? How can I turn that into a way to make money for my children and I to live amazingly well.  Working at Walmart for the rest of my life doesn't seem like a wise choice.  I have many things I love so I don't know where I will go on my decisions. I still have a ton of research to do. What can help me make a decent living and still be something I enjoy.  I enjoy nutrition, helping others get healthy, and more artistic pursuits. Only time will tell which way I go. But like my children I have a rich life ahead and I am only limited by my willingness to work hard. And my willingness to allow God to use my life to tell the story he want me to tell.

Changes

I realized something recently.  I am seeing so much freedom and joy in my life now. I can see how my life was before I got married and then while I was married. I have something to compare. I knew what it's like to be loved for who I am. In a normal family. Even with the divorce I never doubted my parents love. They loved me unconditionally.  They loved me for me. Even when they didn't agree with my choices.

Then I thought of my children. They know nothing but how they were raised. They only know the life that occasionally had love and happiness. Yes they always knew I loved them and their father in his weird twisted way. But the abuse tainted every part of our lives. From holidays, schooling, meals, lack of other people contact,  everything...

Now they are learning how to accept being loved by lots and lots of people. Learning that they won't get in trouble for the little things like spilled milk. We don't worry about the little things anymore.  Experiencing new and amazing things. Going to School. Making their first real friends. Going to church on a weekly basis. Worshiping God as a family. Working as a team. And the list will go on and on and on.

Their healing will be slow. They have so many things to get used to.  But our Family will Heal and we have amazing stories to tell.

Psalm 70

This scripture I clung to in the first weeks. It is still framed in my bathroom.

 ¹ Hasten, O God, to save me;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.
 ² May those who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
³ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   turn back because of their shame.
⁴ But may all who seek you
   rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”
 ⁵ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   LORD, do not delay.

God's Providence

Mom and I were overwhelmed and blessed over and over and over again in the first 2 weeks after I left.  I left with next to nothing.  Each child packed their favorite things, clothes and bedding. I packed essentials, bedding, 1 computer, my business equipment and a few basic things.
Well in 1 week family, friends and tons of total strangers donated beds, kitchen essentials, dressers, rugs, bedding, desks, tables, chairs, toys, craft supplies, couches, lamps,   and the list goes on and on and on. We went from having air mattresses for every child to a fully furnished home within 3 weeks.  God provided above and beyond my wildest imaginations.

It was most humbling how total strangers would come in and do so much for my family.  It is how the family of God is supposed to work. Helping each other no matter what denomination you are from. Seeing a need and doing what YOU can do to provide.  And I wasn't getting junky cast offs either. In almost every case we were upgrading from what we owned before. Things from antique family heirlooms to brand new couches that weren't needed anymore. Also the most amazing thing was everything coordinated.  From the couch that matched the love seat, that matched the throw rug, curtains, etc...  Then my room was amazing. I had originally had purple in mind as my theme color but when God decorates for you he exceeds above and beyond what you could dream of. And now I have a room that is NOT purple but very rich, cozy and inviting. It could come be featured in a magazine.

Salvation Army gave me 2 bags of food at the beginning plus a check for $215.00 for their thrift store for clothing and household items.

But it didn't stop with just household things. SOS a abused women and children support system gave me a cell phone with 40,000 minutes on it. They gave me forms to get assistance for food and other things. They helped me look for housing.  They brought coloring books and crayons, blankets and food.  They provided assistance in filling out the form against abuse protection. They sat with me in court every time I have to go.

I talked to WIC which was supposed to take weeks to get in. And they had a cancellation that day.  Which I grabbed. Well then I was given the checks that day. When they originally told me it would take several weeks to get approved.  Then I when I went to SRS I was told I should be approved quickly for food stamps. He would put it on the list for the next day.  When I received it I was SO overwhelmed with the amount that was given for food for my children and myself. I have NEVER eaten this well in my life. And it is my understanding this amount exceeds the usual. And I received the conformation in 1/2 the expected time.

He took me to a Godly man who would become my lawyer.  Who does everything he can to protect me and the children. And encourages me as I make this transition. But also encourages me in ways to save money in lawyers fees. (What lawyer encourages you to pay him as little as possible?)

Several gift cards for Walmart.  One of the first trips to walmart was SOOO overwelming. When you have absolutely nothing and walk into a store like that. At every turn you find something you genuinely need but you can't get everything you need. And those gift cards have each come when I really need them.

I was given energy bill assistance quickly. The list goes on and on and on.

God took me to the church that would and continues to meet my families needs immediately. I never even had to church shop. They blessed me with free women study resources. Camp for my kids. But most of all they have blessed me with LOVE, friendship and blessed beautiful fellowship with other believers. You can not totally understand what a blessed thing it is to have the ability to worship with other believers until it is taken away and finally you get it back. It is like the first drink after a hard workout. A refreshing spring of refreshment, healing. A balm to the soul.

Holidays and Special Occasions

Holidays were horrible. Most toward the end I didn't even try anymore.

Birthdays. He refused to come in the room and sing Happy Birthday so I canceled that tradition. The children wouldn't get candles to blow out because it always made them sad that their Father wouldn't come into the room.

Christmas' were the worst. I think in 21 years their were 2 good happy Christmas mornings.  The last one was one of them.  Most were filled with sadness. We were yelled at for caring more about the gifts than about Christ's birth. Extended family was not to be a part of holidays. I finally said that holidays were for us only because it was easier than dealing with the anger. I now know he was jealous of me and my relationships with them.  One Christmas after we had opened all our gifts. And were just relaxing he decided that we had to give everything away and donate everything to Goodwill. Absolutely everything the children and I had to bag up into bags for him to go donate away. It even included homemade gifts from his family and a gift certificate to Walmart.  There was no sane thought process in it. It was all just crazy out of no where thinking. That year family came to visit so it probably stemmed from jealousy again.   He also never accepted anything we gave him. Always it was returned. If we gave cash it was spent back on us for a meal or something.  We HATED getting him gifts because it was a impossible task.

Flash Backs

There is so much of my past that I have deleted from my brain because it was just too much for me to handle.  I couldn't deal with the current situation with the past issues in the present. But since leaving little things trigger those memories.  Sometimes its a situation and I think oh yeah remember ......  Some things I had forgotten but my daughter journaled and now shares with me. Like the playing the music and turning on all the lights on the night before the funeral. I had forgotten.  This is the type of thing that soldiers use on prisoners of war to break down the enemy. Was I the enemy in his mind.  I do know toward the end he admitted that he tried to find ways to get revenge. REVENGE who gets revenge against their spouse?  But he was planning ways to get revenge when I did things he didn't like. These aren't earth shattering things I was doing either.  Things like going to a funeral. Having a session with a client.  I was telling my counselor I just dont' understand why someone would plan revenge against me. And she told me it was because you are normal. And the way he thinks is NOT!

One thing I had forgotten. My now 4 year old was under 6 months old and was fussing.  The children heard crying.   And checked to see what was going on. And my husband had the baby and was trying to force him to be good by holding him tight and swatting his bottom every time every few minutes for crying.  I was sitting there weeping. Saying can I please just nurse him. And he wouldn't let me. My oldest was upstairs crying out to God to make him stop. And just weeping also. Eventually I did get him back. But then he would wonder why I didn't see him as a team member. I didn't ask for his help taking care of the children.

The births of my babies were not the joy filled days they should be.  Yes I was thrilled to have my babies to snuggle. But I had absolutely no support.  Usually the midwife and her assistant were the only ones in the room. He wouldn't come in.  On the day my 5th baby was born he was no where to be seen. When  I asked  if anyone had seen him they said he was out and the garden digging. I thought good he's not bothering anyone that way.  Much to my shock after the birth I found out he had destroyed all the plants in my garden. I dug them and flipped absolutely everything. When I asked why he did this it was because I had not had sex with him for about a month. HELLO I'm huge with child.  But he didn't stop there. That birth my mom was helping watch the children. And I needed to shower. The midwife was busy as well as her assistant.  He was no where to be found so my mom held the baby first while I showered.  That night after everyone left he ordered pizza. He didn't feed me. I had to beg for something to eat. Eventually I was given 1 piece for supper. He also destroyed the new toys I had gotten the children to help keep them busy. And he destroyed a toy that was lent to me for the same purpose.
  Another birth he screamed at the midwives for getting my bedspread wet with amnionic fluid.  The last when I asked for help he refused. It was because the midwife had placed her coat on something that was his. So I was punished for what she had done. When the baby finally was coming after complications she said do you want to call anyone in? I said no. I was thinking he wasn't here for any other part of this birth he doesn't need to be here for the best part.I never was told good job. I was never kissed, given flowers, NOTHING. I love my babies and they are my life but their comings were almost always sad days filled with grief and weeping.