I'm Sorry

Dear Christine,
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for all the pain and suffering I have caused you over the years. I don't know why God allowed this and why it took you leaving to pull me out of the darkness, but I know God loves us the way we are and has the best in mind for us.

I am sorry I took you for granted all these years. You don't know what you have until it's gone. You are an incredible woman and I was never gracious or thankful for that.
I don't know where I lost the idea of serving others and began to expect others to serve me.
I am sorry I misrepresented God's love to you.
I am sorry I misrepresented God's love to our children.
I am sorry I didn't love you for who you were, but expected you to change into something you were not.
I am sorry I took your innoncence before were were married. It was not mine to take and was not what God had planned for us.
I am sorry I didn't put you before the children.
I am sorry I never comforted you when you were giving birth to our children.
I am sorry I never helped you care for the children directly after birth.
I am sorry I never comforted you when you were sick or tired.
I am sorry I never gave you a break from our children to rest and recover from the ever grueling days.
I am sorry I never caressed you in a loving manner and kissed you long.
I am sorry I never helped with the daily chores of preparing meals, washing dishes, doing laundry and taking care of the children.
I am sorry I never helped make our home a loving and fun place.
I am sorry I never told you thank you for all the things you did for us.
I am sorry I never made our bedroom a comfortable place to enjoy each other.
I am sorry I never helped entertain guests at our home.
I am sorry I never prayed with you and read the Bible with you.
I am sorry I never took the time to know you deeply as a friend should.
I am sorry I never made the home comfortable for you to live in and also for never allowing you to make it comfortable for yourself.
I am sorry I never said prayer with our children at night and never got to know them as friends.
I am sorry for the incredible anger that the Bible says only comes from fools. Why God allowed me to be so foolish for all those years, I'll never understand.
I am sorry I never took you anywhere special after our wedding or any other time in our marriage.
I am sorry I didn't understand your love of photography and care enough to support it in every way possible.
I am sorry I kept you away from friends and family.
I am sorry I kept you and our children from going to church.
I am sorry I didn't spend the money to get a van that we could all ride in to keep our family together on the road.
I am sorry for being so envious and jealous of you. You are so incredible and I could never compete with you.
I am sorry I destroyed your keepsakes and other items.
I am sorry I didn't take you and our family on more fun outings.
I am sorry I never took you or sent you to New York to visit your brother.
I am sorry I never listened to your music with you to understand what a great musician Sara Groves was.
I am sorry I never got an ipod and communited with you on it.
I am sorry I never spent the money on a cell phone where I could talk with you more.
I am sorry I looked at other woman on the internet making you feel worthless as a wife.
I am sorry I never kept appointments to do things with your friends.
I am sorry I never watched your DVDs with you and enjoyed time alone with you.
Your brother in Christ,
____________________

I think the letter says so much about his character. 21 years and he knew all these things that were wrong. When I first read it I was a bit creaped out on some of the things on the list. I had been celebrating Yeah now I can..... and then this letter included the very things I was celebrating. But it also angered me. If you knew what you were doing was wrong why did you keep doing such horrible things for 21 years. As a Christian man he should have been on his knees weeping daily for the things he was doing. 
Often times I compared myself with a slave. I was just there to do work and take care of his children. I was not to be a part of this life. 
This is why it is over. Why I won't be going back. A million I'm sorries will not change the abuse or the pain. I can no longer trust him.