My Story....

I know that God has a story to tell that only I can tell the world. I have been encouraged to share my story so that is why I have started this blog. I don't know where it will take me but this is my start.
Writing is not my favorite thing to do. So please be patient with me as I work thru this process.  If what I have lived thru can help someone else then it will be worth the work.

I was married for 21 years. Their were occasional bright moments but most of it was filled with tears, fear, anguish and  exhaustion.  When I first got married it was drilled into my head that divorce was not an option. Over and over again from my church. So when the mental abuse started I just tried to change me and do what I could to be a better wife and eventually mother of many. Trying to figure out what it would take to make this marriage wonderful instead of dreadful. 

I tried everything over the years to be that Titus two lady, that Proverbs 31 lady. But I could never achieve her because the rules changed to quickly to comply with them.  As time marched on I would read another book. Study more of the bible but my marriage was broken.  I wept weekly. I lived in fear of displeasing the man who was supposed to love me more than anyone else. But who was the person who hurt me to the core.

 Things have always been bad but they made a turn for the worst 7 years ago when we moved out to a farm. I had hopes that the move would be a turning point that would improve our family but sadly it had the opposite effect.  We choose to move to the farm because we got a good deal on it. I saw it as the only way to get out of my crappy little house we lived in. Initially the little home was fine. But by the 3rd child a 800 sq. foot home with in the end 5 children was unbearable. It could never be clean. We were in each others way always. So when we got the farm and it was twice the house plus the 17+ acres I hoped it would improve some of the problems. But unfortunately I then heard weekly how moving there was horrible and that the drive was horrible. (which I do realize a 1 hour 15 m. commute one way isn't ideal)

When we first moved we were attending the Amish Mennonite church.  And it was wonderful to worship God with other believers. But then my husband didn't want to go anymore. He didn't agree with the teachings they were teaching. But he allowed me to attend with the children. I didn't last very long though. For sundays the men sit on one side and the women sit on the other. But without my husband with me it made it impossible to discipline the boys when they were on the opposite side.  Eventually I just quite going at all.
Then occasionally I would ask to attend church and I was always told no its too ________. So I gave up trying again.

Then after much searching I finally found a homeschool group. But was never allowed to join it. They charged fees and required that you be registered with the state (which we were not) so I was not allowed to join.  With the lack of a church or a homeschool group my children were not around other children hardly ever.  We only saw our old friends occasionally. About every 3 to 6 months. So my children did not have friends growing up.

All this I could have born if my marriage would have been thriving and loving but it was not.  I was hurt over and over and over again. When I would do something that didn't please my husband I would be punished. Wither it was not speaking to me for up to weeks.  Taking things of mine and destroying them. Taking privileges away from me like locking me off the computer. Disconnecting my computer from internet and eventually disconnecting my wifi.

Less Like Scars

Sara Groves Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year • But I'm climbing out of the rubble • These lessons are hard • Healing changes are subtle • But every day it's... • Less like tearing more like building • Less like captive more like willing • Less like breakdown more like surrender • Less like haunting more like remember • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars and more like character • • Less like a prison a prison more like my room • Less like a casket more like a womb • Less like dying more like transcending • Less like fear, less like an ending • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • • Just a little while ago • I couldn't feel the power or the hope • I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing • Just a little while back • I was desperate, broken, laid out • Hoping you would come • • And I need you • And I want you here • And I feel you... • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And more like character

Quotes from different places:

 ‎"I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived." ;o)

And you are even more beautiful than your scars

 ‎"The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

  “There is a big difference between a wound and a scar,” Jaynes says. “Because a scar says, ‘I’ve been healed, and this is my story.’”In her book, Your Scars Are Beautiful to God, Jaynes encourages readers to embrace their scars and allow God to use them in the lives of others.That’s when she began the process of healing – a process that she calls “turning the wounds into scars.”

I get Slammed!

I go on with my new life and healing and then SLAM another flashback happens. Something I had buried so deep it was forgotten. Only to sneak back out when I least expect it.
I am getting ready to start potty training and I have really been putting it off. One child is 4 almost 5 and the other 3. They will do it together and I just can't seem to get it done once and for all. I know I need to. I know they need this but I have hesitated. And then the flashback comes and I remember. I had remembered they would get spanked for accidents. But now I remember he would put their nose in it like a freakin dog!   I remember being mad and him not carrying my opinion. I remember the child screaming and crying. And then they would not be closer to potty training I end up farther and farther back. SO I now realize I am hesitating because I fear how they will be treated when they are with their father. What will he do to  them when I am not there to stop him now. How will he hurt my babies. But I have decided I will start in the am. I will train them as well as I can. And we will see where they are doing on friday evening. If they still have a lot of accidents they will go into pull ups for the weekend. If they are doing very well I will send them potty trained. I will also send him  a email stating the best course of action for dealing with a accident. And the things that will not help the training. I was not married to a man I was married to a monster that thought nothing more of us then things he owned and used as he desired.

Journal Entry I Found

This is from the birth of my 5th Child. Written in 2001

March 17, 2001

Well a lot has changed since I last wrote in here. 1^st off my due-date was changed. I went in at 38 week appointment and my midwife couldn't find the babies head. It wasn't even remotely engaged.

Well the next day I ended up with a sonogram. The good news was the baby was indeed head down. The bad news was that I was now 32 weeks along instead of 38 weeks. This is NOT what a pregnant woman wants to hear. Well slowly I made the adjustment mentally and I am now less than 1 week from the new due date. The baby is at +1station and I am 95% effaced and a loose 3 cm. I am very ready to go. I truthfully think stress is stopping me from going into labor. Fred (name changed) hasn't talked to me in about 2 weeks. Unless he has to. This is not exactly how I want things to be when I go into labor. Last I knew he was mad because the floor is not being vacuumed everyday. He thinks we (children and I) keep the house a pig sty. Which isn't true, I am on them a lot to clean and feel I am always straightening. I have once again hit that I don't really care anymore attitude. I am just doing what I have to do to survive. I no longer care if there is joy in my life. I will just do what I must to survive.

He is also looking at porn on the internet once again. In the past I would spend days crying. Today it's just another brick being laid around my heart. I am to ugly and fat to even compete and actually look like I am going to explode soon. So why try.

He sleeps in that stupid sleeping bag every night for the last 4-5 months. Which makes snuggling and such nearly impossible. Especially since I am always hot and that bag smothers me.

I do sleep on the couch a lot, but had explained that it was more comfortable. He claimed he understands. Oh well this is my crappy life. I choose to marry Fred and I will be so until I die. So I'm just getting used to it. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's hell. That just life in this house.

He also doesn't even eat with us anymore. The children are starting to ask questions and I just keep answering vague.

Well I am tired, swollen, depressed, etc.... I might as well go to sleep.

Lord please give me the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings. I cant' handle it alone. I will break, otherwise. Please give me patience with the children and help me to be consistent once again in their discipline. So they will behave well.

April 8, 2001 1:40am

Well I can't sleep since I have no one I can talk to so I must write here to stay sane. Yesterday afternoon at 2:02am my baby girl  came to join our family. We were all beginning to wonder if she would ever come. She was 2 weeks overdue and looked it. She weighed 9lbs. 9 oz and was 20 5/8 inches long. This was the good part of my day. :-) My midwife arrived around 10am and broke my water. Then we spent 1 hour wandering around the backyard having contractions. Then we came in. She checked me sometime later and I was 7 cm that could be stretched to 9cm. Well we went back to the front room and my midwife slowly started getting things out and in place for the birth. She also called her assistant to come assist.

Well within minutes of the assistant arriving I changed positions to leaning on the couch with my legs on the floor. Well I had a few contractions that were “normal”. Then all of a sudden they changed to “pushy” contractions. They told me to breath through. Well on the next contraction the baby came. My midwife said the only thing that held her in was my underwear. Well as soon as my midwife took off the underwear and I flipped over her head was born. Then I pushed once to get out her shoulders and she was here. One blessing of her speed of arriving is that for the first time ever my hemorrhoids are NOT bothering me. :-)

Well now for the bad part of the day. Fred is still not talking so he stayed away during the whole birth. He even told my midwife he didn't want to be here.

Mom arrived soon after delivery (I waited to long) and helped keep the children away.

Well she was born and cleaned up. I went to the bathroom etc... It was at least 1 hour. I never saw Fred the whole time. Well after going to the bathroom I had the children come out and meet their new sister. After that my midwife and her assistant were acting like they were leaving. I asked them if they were going to let me take a bath and they said I needed to do it immediately if I was going to do it at all. I knew I would never be able to get it done alone, and I didn't expect any help from Fred. So my midwife suggested that Mom hold her and that I shower. I had second thoughts because I knew Fred hadn't held her but I didn't know what else to do. And he wouldn't respond to us calling. Well I showered, the midwive's left and Mom took off. Before Mom left I had her bring the baby supply basket and the phone. Well right after she left I called a friend and Fred got on the other extensions so I got off. Then he started yelling. He told me that I better enjoy my baby because he was never going to have another baby with me. I asked why and he said he was sick of me. That I don't love him because actions speak loader than words. A lot of it appears to be 2 topics! Sex and housework. He said I never want him to see me naked so that is why he didn't come out during the birth because I would be partially naked and since he feels I don't want him to seem me that way then why come. He also said he looks at porn because I won't let him look at me. I told him his looking causes me to not want to be naked. He also said all we ever do is have sex in the dark. (Well what when else are there no children around?)

As far as housekeeping it has to do with the things getting broke and damaged by the children. And I don't know how to resolve this.

Well Fred destroyed all my gardens to punish me. He also broke a bubble toy that my mother let the children borrow. The flowers sadden me because they took so many years to establish. I don't intend to replant any of them. It would cost $100's of dollars and tons of time. I will just not garden this year.

The toy I will have to replace for Mom. I sure hope it wasn't expensive.

I didn't realize Fred didn't even know about the babies weight, etc...

But personally he didn't seem to give a damn.

He did order pizza for supper. But if I wouldn't have asked he wouldn't have fed me. And I had only had 1 cinnamon roll and 1 apple all day and it was 8pm.

I still plan to allow people to bring meals over otherwise I would probably not be fed. And I am not supposed to do anything for 1 week at the least. I don't know where things are going from here. Can't get much worse. :-)

Lord please give me the strength to endure each day as they come. Please show me ways to show Fred I love him that he will understand. Lord please re-open the lines of communication between us again. I don't like my life now and only you know how to improve it.

PS. He also said that whenever we go anywhere, that I never want to sit by him. But actually I'm trying to sit where the children can be kept from spilling things. He said it doesn't matter. He came first not the children. Well hopefully this helps me to sleep. :-)

Sorrow

Carry your sorrow no longer

Give Him your burden to bear.

How we all long to dwell with Him.

Now your child is already there.

And He says, “All you who are heavy laden

Oh, I will give you rest.

And I will lift you up.

And you shall endure the test.”

He mourns for the sheep who have lost their way.

He weeps for those who have strayed.

He cries for all who are weary and old.

But He rejoices when His children come

home to stay.

Carry your sorrow no longer.

Give Him your burden to bear.

He's holding His child in His bosom

Remember He is love and He cares.

~Elinor

...safe, dark, motionless, airless- (Your heart) will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (p169)

~The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis~

Divorce

Finally the day came.
I am not the typical divorcee'. I never had the sadness others have. Oh my gosh I am divorced. I am extremely happy and blessed to finally be free. The lack of insurance is one I am willing to live with.  Not walking on egg shells, bliss! What do I have to fear! This is just the beginning!

Jeremiah 29:11

I am a Victory!

Starting a New Dance

The storms will still come. But I am free to love again. To be loved for me! No faking! No falsehoods! Just me!  I dare to dream to LOVE!

Some sweet dear sisters in the Lord gave me wonderful advice.
"I am so thankful you have gotten away.
My first thought was you were like a brought slave girl I once read a story about. She was brought as a young girl by an older man to keep him happy,clean/ cook and bare his children all the while being cut off from her family and friends. She was punished if she didn't do as told.

No one should ever live like this in fear and not know the true meaning of love.

Your mate should show you love everyday and lift up your spirits making everyday a happy day. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did!

I pray that someday when you are ready that you find someone who will show you how wonderful being in love is.
Everyday is to be cherished and you are to be cherished and shown what an amazing lady you are!
One day when your children grow up they if they haven't already will tell you how amazing you are and how thankful they are that you were strong enough to get them into a home filled with love and hope for the future.

I am very proud of you for taking that step out the door and into your own future.
I can't imagine living like that and I am so happy you are not anymore!"
and
"I want you to know that what your husband (soon to be ex) did to you, was not godly in any way, shape, or form. As a matter of fact, I'm positive his actions made our Lord weep over you and your children. Our husbands are to love us as Christ loved the church, and He laid down His own life for the church.

As much as what your husband (soon to be ex) did to you, you my friend, continued to be a Godly example to us.  You never came here and bashed your husband, though you certainly could have. You always remained faithful, even though he didn't.

You deserve to be loved. Loved for who you are, no matter what. I know that you know that love in Jesus, and I truly hope that some day you will find that love here on earth"

and
" Everyone deserves second and third chances, but you gave so many! The children are your reward for persevering and are a great blessing now. I'm so glad that you and them are safe and can now relax, laugh, heal, and enjoy life!"
Thank you sweet sisters for your advice!