This is from the birth of my 5th Child. Written in 2001
March 17, 2001
Well a lot has changed since I last
wrote in here. 1st off my due-date was changed. I went in
at 38 week appointment and my midwife couldn't find the babies head. It
wasn't even remotely engaged.
Well the next day I ended up with a
sonogram. The good news was the baby was indeed head down. The bad
news was that I was now 32 weeks along instead of 38 weeks. This is
NOT what a pregnant woman
wants to hear. Well slowly I made the adjustment mentally and I am
now less than 1 week from the new due date. The baby is at +1station
and I am 95% effaced and a loose 3 cm. I am very ready to go. I
truthfully think stress is stopping me from going into labor. Fred (name changed) hasn't talked to me in about 2 weeks. Unless he has to. This
is not exactly how I want things to be when I go into labor. Last I
knew he was mad because the floor is not being vacuumed everyday. He
thinks we (children and I) keep the house a pig sty. Which isn't
true, I am on them a lot to clean and feel I am always straightening.
I have once again hit that I don't really care anymore attitude. I am
just doing what I have to do to survive. I no longer care if there is
joy in my life. I will just do what I must to survive.
He is also
looking at porn on the internet once again. In the past I would spend
days crying. Today it's just another brick being laid around my
heart. I am to ugly and fat to even compete and actually look like I
am going to explode soon. So why try.
He sleeps in
that stupid sleeping bag every night for the last 4-5 months. Which
makes snuggling and such nearly impossible. Especially since I am
always hot and that bag smothers me.
I do sleep on
the couch a lot, but had explained that it was more comfortable. He
claimed he understands. Oh well this is my crappy life. I choose to
marry Fred and I will be so until I die. So I'm just getting used
to it. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's hell. That just life
in this house.
He also doesn't
even eat with us anymore. The children are starting to ask questions
and I just keep answering vague.
Well I am tired,
swollen, depressed, etc.... I might as well go to sleep.
Lord please give
me the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings. I cant' handle
it alone. I will break, otherwise. Please give me patience with the
children and help me to be consistent once again in their discipline.
So they will behave well.
April 8, 2001
1:40am
Well I can't
sleep since I have no one I can talk to so I must write here to stay
sane. Yesterday afternoon at 2:02am my baby girl came to
join our family. We were all beginning to wonder if she would ever
come. She was 2 weeks overdue and looked it. She weighed 9lbs. 9 oz
and was 20 5/8 inches long. This was the good part of my day. :-) My midwife arrived around 10am and broke my water. Then we spent 1 hour
wandering around the backyard having contractions. Then we came in.
She checked me sometime later and I was 7 cm that could be stretched
to 9cm. Well we went back to the front room and my midwife slowly
started getting things out and in place for the birth. She also
called her assistant to come assist.
Well within
minutes of the assistant arriving I changed positions to leaning on the couch
with my legs on the floor. Well I had a few contractions that were
“normal”. Then all of a sudden they changed to “pushy”
contractions. They told me to breath through. Well on the next
contraction the baby came. My midwife said the only thing that held her
in was my underwear. Well as soon as my midwife took off the underwear
and I flipped over her head was born. Then I pushed once to get out
her shoulders and she was here. One blessing of her speed of arriving
is that for the first time ever my hemorrhoids are NOT bothering me.
:-)
Well now for the
bad part of the day. Fred is still not talking so he stayed away
during the whole birth. He even told my midwife he didn't want to be
here.
Mom arrived soon
after delivery (I waited to long) and helped keep the children away.
Well she was
born and cleaned up. I went to the bathroom etc... It was at least 1
hour. I never saw Fred the whole time. Well after going to the
bathroom I had the children come out and meet their new sister.
After that my midwife and her assistant were acting like they were leaving. I
asked them if they were going to let me take a bath and they said I
needed to do it immediately if I was going to do it at all. I knew I
would never be able to get it done alone, and I didn't expect any
help from Fred. So my midwife suggested that Mom hold her and that
I shower. I had second thoughts because I knew Fred hadn't held
her but I didn't know what else to do. And he wouldn't respond to us
calling. Well I showered, the midwive's left and Mom took off. Before
Mom left I had her bring the baby supply basket and the phone. Well
right after she left I called a friend and Fred got on the other extensions so I got off. Then he started yelling. He told
me that I better enjoy my baby because he was never going to have
another baby with me. I asked why and he said he was sick of me. That
I don't love him because actions speak loader than words. A lot of it
appears to be 2 topics! Sex and housework. He said I never want him
to see me naked so that is why he didn't come out during the birth
because I would be partially naked and since he feels I don't want
him to seem me that way then why come. He also said he looks at porn
because I won't let him look at me. I told him his looking causes me
to not want to be naked. He also said all we ever do is have sex in
the dark. (Well what when else are there no children around?)
As far as
housekeeping it has to do with the things getting broke and damaged
by the children. And I don't know how to resolve this.
Well Fred
destroyed all my gardens to punish me. He also broke a bubble toy
that my mother let the children borrow. The flowers sadden me because
they took so many years to establish. I don't intend to replant any
of them. It would cost $100's of dollars and tons of time. I will
just not garden this year.
The toy I will
have to replace for Mom. I sure hope it wasn't expensive.
I didn't realize Fred didn't even know about the babies weight, etc...
But personally
he didn't seem to give a damn.
He did order
pizza for supper. But if I wouldn't have asked he wouldn't have fed
me. And I had only had 1 cinnamon roll and 1 apple all day and it was
8pm.
I still plan to allow people to bring meals over otherwise I would probably not be fed. And I am not supposed to do anything for 1 week at the least. I don't know where things are going from here. Can't get much worse. :-)
Lord please give
me the strength to endure each day as they come. Please show me ways
to show Fred I love him that he will understand. Lord please
re-open the lines of communication between us again. I don't like my
life now and only you know how to improve it.
PS. He also said
that whenever we go anywhere, that I never want to sit by him. But
actually I'm trying to sit where the children can be kept from
spilling things. He said it doesn't matter. He came first not the
children. Well hopefully this helps me to sleep. :-)
Sorrow
Carry your
sorrow no longer
Give Him your
burden to bear.
How we all long
to dwell with Him.
Now your child
is already there.
And He says,
“All you who are heavy laden
Oh, I will give
you rest.
And I will lift
you up.
And you shall
endure the test.”
He mourns for
the sheep who have lost their way.
He weeps for
those who have strayed.
He cries for all
who are weary and old.
But He rejoices
when His children come
home to stay.
Carry your
sorrow no longer.
Give Him your
burden to bear.
He's holding His
child in His bosom
Remember He is
love and He cares.
~Elinor
...safe, dark,
motionless, airless- (Your heart) will change. It will not be
broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The
alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is
damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be
perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
(p169)
~The Four Loves,
C.S. Lewis~
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