My Story....

I know that God has a story to tell that only I can tell the world. I have been encouraged to share my story so that is why I have started this blog. I don't know where it will take me but this is my start.
Writing is not my favorite thing to do. So please be patient with me as I work thru this process.  If what I have lived thru can help someone else then it will be worth the work.

I was married for 21 years. Their were occasional bright moments but most of it was filled with tears, fear, anguish and  exhaustion.  When I first got married it was drilled into my head that divorce was not an option. Over and over again from my church. So when the mental abuse started I just tried to change me and do what I could to be a better wife and eventually mother of many. Trying to figure out what it would take to make this marriage wonderful instead of dreadful. 

I tried everything over the years to be that Titus two lady, that Proverbs 31 lady. But I could never achieve her because the rules changed to quickly to comply with them.  As time marched on I would read another book. Study more of the bible but my marriage was broken.  I wept weekly. I lived in fear of displeasing the man who was supposed to love me more than anyone else. But who was the person who hurt me to the core.

 Things have always been bad but they made a turn for the worst 7 years ago when we moved out to a farm. I had hopes that the move would be a turning point that would improve our family but sadly it had the opposite effect.  We choose to move to the farm because we got a good deal on it. I saw it as the only way to get out of my crappy little house we lived in. Initially the little home was fine. But by the 3rd child a 800 sq. foot home with in the end 5 children was unbearable. It could never be clean. We were in each others way always. So when we got the farm and it was twice the house plus the 17+ acres I hoped it would improve some of the problems. But unfortunately I then heard weekly how moving there was horrible and that the drive was horrible. (which I do realize a 1 hour 15 m. commute one way isn't ideal)

When we first moved we were attending the Amish Mennonite church.  And it was wonderful to worship God with other believers. But then my husband didn't want to go anymore. He didn't agree with the teachings they were teaching. But he allowed me to attend with the children. I didn't last very long though. For sundays the men sit on one side and the women sit on the other. But without my husband with me it made it impossible to discipline the boys when they were on the opposite side.  Eventually I just quite going at all.
Then occasionally I would ask to attend church and I was always told no its too ________. So I gave up trying again.

Then after much searching I finally found a homeschool group. But was never allowed to join it. They charged fees and required that you be registered with the state (which we were not) so I was not allowed to join.  With the lack of a church or a homeschool group my children were not around other children hardly ever.  We only saw our old friends occasionally. About every 3 to 6 months. So my children did not have friends growing up.

All this I could have born if my marriage would have been thriving and loving but it was not.  I was hurt over and over and over again. When I would do something that didn't please my husband I would be punished. Wither it was not speaking to me for up to weeks.  Taking things of mine and destroying them. Taking privileges away from me like locking me off the computer. Disconnecting my computer from internet and eventually disconnecting my wifi.