Getting the Strength to Stand on my Own

Getting the strength to stand on my own didn't come quickly. For many years I felt if I left I would be destitute. I would not be able to provide for my family. Then slowly with the purchase of photography equipment. And the practicing and studying I was actually able to make some money. And then with time I realized maybe  I could do this. I didn't need to stay just for the money. We didn't need to be abused anymore. I would be able to stand on my own to legs and use the talents that God has given me and make some kind of income.  This gave me the strength to walk away that day. Am I doing well with my business now? NO! But every step of the way I have been taken care of. Our needs have been met and even some of our wants!  Yes sometimes I've taken my eyes from that and gotten overwhelmed. That even happened yesterday. When I realized I had given up  everything to be a wife and mother and now I am only worth minimum wage if I go back to work.   But one of my best friends reminded me that I'm not worth minimum  wage I am priceless! To just keep the gears in my head and I will figure out something!  And to never look back again. Chin up! Forge ahead! Kick some ass!
So here I am forging ahead! Protected by God and I will kick some ass!

The SLOW workings of COURT!

Just when you think your going to be divorced soon. Things move creepily slow!
We were supposed to be divorced on August 5th. And we settled out of court on the 4th. Sadly here we sit October 7th and still married! ACK!  The lawyers keep going back and forth and just when things appear to be finished some line gets changed. It is so frustrating to say the least!  He needs to let me go! I will NEVER go back to him. No matter how well he may appear to have gotten. So please just quite finding ways to make this take even longer. Sign the papers already!  We are very close to ending up in court to resolve this once and for all. I need this closer. I want my old name back and we need to settle the assets! 
He will NOT get me back by prolonging things. I have moved on!  Please Lord this the job be completed quickly!

Finally Set Free!

"The moment you can visualize being free from the things that hold you back, you have indeed begun to set yourself free."---Unknown

 

When you have been told what to do. Who to be friends with. How to do things. When you can see family.  For 21 almost 22 years you start to lose who you really are. I lost that girl I was. I changed just  about every area of my life to attempt to please a man who couldn't be pleased!  And until I was set free I didn't realize how much  of me had vanished.  Slowly I have  broken free of the bondage of abuse and I Christine am once again emerging.

Am I the girl I was 22 years ago? NO!  But I finally have a say in the things that show my personality. The way I dress. The fact I wear and enjoy wearing makeup. The fact I love blessing people out of the blue. The fact that I want a relationship with my step brothers and sisters. By leaving my soon to be ex husband. I gained a huge amount of family!  I am free to serve my God. Love my choice of friends. Love my family! 

I am free! Free indeed! 

Being Married but Feeling Single

For most of my marriage I took care of everything in the home. I did all the cleaning. All the child attending. Of course all the diaper changes. Animal pen cleaning. The list can go on and on and on. All he did was sometimes mow the lawn. That is about it. He was horrible at repairing anything that was damaged. So essentially I was doing it ALL.

So I really felt like a single parent through most of the marriage. Only problem was I had no control of the rules. So I was really more of a slave. I did the work. I cooked the meals. I had the babies. Because I was under the control of a tyrant. The rules changed weekly, daily, by the minute.  We never knew what to expect. We walked on egg shells. When it was good it was pretty good. When it was bad it was a living Hell.


Being a real single mom is not scary to me at all and actually so much easier than my formal life. I have a part in the decisions now. Because I make the decisions now. The children and I are n longer being abused. Praise the Lord we are free.

And honestly I would much rather have a little stress of where is the money going to come from then when will he explode again.

I am free indeed! Free indeed!

Staying in a Women's Shelter

a week after my son left we were enjoying a relaxing night. We had the little people asleep. My oldest daughter and I were enjoying a girly movie. My boys were playing games. Then as we were relaxing we heard a horrible loud banging on my back door. It scared us to death. I went and got my can of mace and sent the children upstairs. I didn't even go close to the door. I stood at the bottom of the stairs with a cell phone in one hand calling the police and the can of mace in the other. They said they would send someone right over. The police came and didn't find anyone.
But in order to knock on my back door first you have to go down an alley. Then you have to go through a gate and through my back yard then up the back porch. Also there is a mud room between the main house and the outside. So that person had to knock very very hard for it to be heard so well in the living room. The police officer said they were going they couldn't find anything wrong and that if I needed them for anything they would come right back over.
Well I called my mom and was scared to death. I knew if I stayed home I would be up all night long and I would never get any sleep. Just waiting for the next  knock. So I decided to call the officer and ask to be escourted to the women's shelter. I had already made contact with the SOS organization that ran it and they had offered the home anytime I needed it. I decided tonight was the night.
We gathered the basic essentials and left. We went to the police station then the shelter staff came and escorted us to the shelter. We were given the whole bottom floor in the basement. They provided food, shelter, clothing, toiletries but most of all protection. Everything we needed.
I had already contacted a lawyer after my son had left to start the divorce process and also file a restraining order, I had also ordered a stronger protection order. Essentially I filed that he could not come near me or the children. If he did he would go to jail. Period. No questions asked.
There were several delays and it took about a week before the papers were sent to him. They were sent on a thursday but because of a severe snow storm he did not receive them until tuesday.
I felt so protected while at the shelter. And was so blessed that it was an option for my family for a time.   But it was not home.  The day I went into the shelter I called my landlord. I explained what had happened and that I did not feel safe. At the suggestion of SOS I requested more deadbolts. 2 peep holes and security lights. He did everything I asked in more. He put the peep holes low enough for my grade school children to look out. He put in motion detector lights. Everything I asked for he gave me. Free of charge at that. After I knew these extra protections were in place and that there was a snowstorm coming in and he would not be served until Monday at the earliest the children and I went home. There was no shame in getting help we desperately needed and I Praise God they were available to me.  The night he got the papers there was no way he could drive to my house and harass me.

The Night my Heart Broke in Half

My oldest boy was not adjusting well to the change. He was very mad at me for taking him away from his friends and his work. He let us know. He was very moody and withdrawn. Even his siblings couldn't draw him out. To try to help him I allowed him to talk to his friends on my new cell phone. That was a big mistake. He really wanted to go to a bachelor party of his friend. I was trying everything I could think of to let him go.  Over and over and over again we all said you can not tell anyone where we are. Then one day I was putting things away and the phone rang and it was my dh. He asked to speak with my oldest boy. I said he wasn't available. Then he asked to speak with my oldest daughter. In my shock I handed it to her. Thankfully she is strong and the Lord and could handle it. He asked her where we were. She said I'm not going to tell you. He asked her do you want to ever see me again. She said I don't know. Then he said no it had to be a yes or a no and she said no I never want to see you again. Then the conversation ended.
Well after that we were on full alert and I cancelled the trip to the party for my son. There was just no way I would risk him being snabbed at the party. Then my mom took us to the pool in her hotel. My son didn't want to go swimming. So he stayed in the room. Non of us even thought about the fact he had his ipod and would have free hotel wifi. Eventually he came down and talked and had fun with his brothers and sisters. Then we went home. I allowed the older children to start Indiana Jones movie. And put the littles down for bed. My oldest didn't watch and was upstairs. He asked to use the phone at one point to call his buddy. I allowed it. Now looking back I know he was acting weird. But I didn't catch it at the time.When I went up he had moved his air mattress beside the window and was looking out.  I asked why he had done that and he said he was cold and wanted to sleep by the heater vent. Then I noticed the little boys room window was open and closed it. I now know he was using both to watch.
I was in the kitchen cleaning and I heard one of my other sons yell where are you going? Then I heard the door slam and then the little brother rush to the door and look out. He came running in. My brother just left. I ran to the porch and saw nothing. And yelled and yelled his name. Then my son said he saw him run out the door and then he saw him getting into our van. My dh and I had exact matching vans so I suspected it was him. Then I ran to the back yard and yelled and yelled some more. Then we realized his doggy was missing also. My heart dropped and I realized he was gone. He had run away to his Father.
I called the police and my mom. The police came and said there was absolutely nothing they could do. I had not gotten a restraining order because it would say the county I was in and I did not want him to know where we were. My mom came and we cried. My cousins came and we weeped. I had lost my son.
He  got his way he went to his party that night. And that was the night my heart broke. I had lost my son. He was going back to the man who had abused him over and over. He was choosing friends and job over the decisions of 2 adults. And put 8 other peoples lives in jeopardy. I love him dearly but am still sad by his decision.

My Prayer

I have a prayer for my soon to be ex-husband.  I want him to heal from his irrational thinking and anger.  I want him to be come the father that he was ment to be for his children.  I want to see him well. 

Will I ever go back to him NO. I can NEVER take the chance that he will treat the children or I the way he treated us before. NO human should ever have to live through that. And especially not 2 times.  Even if I see 100% healing I will NOT go back. Period.

He does seem to be healing some. He sent me a letter at one point saying he was sorry. There were 38 I'm Sorry. That was so sad to me. He knew the things he was doing was wrong. Yet he did them. He treated us like trash over and over and over again.  And now after I have had enough he is sorry. His life is totally turned over.  His life will never be the same.  But me leaving him was the best thing  I could have ever done for his relationship with his children.  He actually pays attention to them and finds fun things to do with them the weekends he has them.

Would I like for him to just go away. Yes... But he will forever be a part of my life. Linked through our children. And since the youngest is 2 it will be along time before visitations bi-weekly will end.  So for my children's sake I want to see God do an amazing healing to his brain.  God is the miracle maker. He can do amazing things. And I want to see him well only for his children.