Flash Backs

There is so much of my past that I have deleted from my brain because it was just too much for me to handle.  I couldn't deal with the current situation with the past issues in the present. But since leaving little things trigger those memories.  Sometimes its a situation and I think oh yeah remember ......  Some things I had forgotten but my daughter journaled and now shares with me. Like the playing the music and turning on all the lights on the night before the funeral. I had forgotten.  This is the type of thing that soldiers use on prisoners of war to break down the enemy. Was I the enemy in his mind.  I do know toward the end he admitted that he tried to find ways to get revenge. REVENGE who gets revenge against their spouse?  But he was planning ways to get revenge when I did things he didn't like. These aren't earth shattering things I was doing either.  Things like going to a funeral. Having a session with a client.  I was telling my counselor I just dont' understand why someone would plan revenge against me. And she told me it was because you are normal. And the way he thinks is NOT!

One thing I had forgotten. My now 4 year old was under 6 months old and was fussing.  The children heard crying.   And checked to see what was going on. And my husband had the baby and was trying to force him to be good by holding him tight and swatting his bottom every time every few minutes for crying.  I was sitting there weeping. Saying can I please just nurse him. And he wouldn't let me. My oldest was upstairs crying out to God to make him stop. And just weeping also. Eventually I did get him back. But then he would wonder why I didn't see him as a team member. I didn't ask for his help taking care of the children.

The births of my babies were not the joy filled days they should be.  Yes I was thrilled to have my babies to snuggle. But I had absolutely no support.  Usually the midwife and her assistant were the only ones in the room. He wouldn't come in.  On the day my 5th baby was born he was no where to be seen. When  I asked  if anyone had seen him they said he was out and the garden digging. I thought good he's not bothering anyone that way.  Much to my shock after the birth I found out he had destroyed all the plants in my garden. I dug them and flipped absolutely everything. When I asked why he did this it was because I had not had sex with him for about a month. HELLO I'm huge with child.  But he didn't stop there. That birth my mom was helping watch the children. And I needed to shower. The midwife was busy as well as her assistant.  He was no where to be found so my mom held the baby first while I showered.  That night after everyone left he ordered pizza. He didn't feed me. I had to beg for something to eat. Eventually I was given 1 piece for supper. He also destroyed the new toys I had gotten the children to help keep them busy. And he destroyed a toy that was lent to me for the same purpose.
  Another birth he screamed at the midwives for getting my bedspread wet with amnionic fluid.  The last when I asked for help he refused. It was because the midwife had placed her coat on something that was his. So I was punished for what she had done. When the baby finally was coming after complications she said do you want to call anyone in? I said no. I was thinking he wasn't here for any other part of this birth he doesn't need to be here for the best part.I never was told good job. I was never kissed, given flowers, NOTHING. I love my babies and they are my life but their comings were almost always sad days filled with grief and weeping.